Hurt
by Little-Known-Artist
Summary: Sans is happy. He's also scared because he's so happy. He learns a little more about the resets, and Frisk explains why they did it.


"alright bucko, go pick something out," Sans said. The dark haired child went rushing out into the Dollar General. They had saved up their allowance specifically so they could get each of their friends something for Christmas, something small. Sans just wanted to pick up a couple bottles of bubble bath and some kitchen utensils for Papyrus. He finished up before Frisk and so he waited just outside the front, looking in on the checkout stand every few minutes while he ate some off brand pop tarts. He made eye contact with Frisk as they exited the checkout stand. A wide grin immediately rose to the child's face. The child reached to grab Sans's hand as they exited but Sans must not have noticed, continuing to hold his two sparsely filled bags and swinging his hands away. The child frowned. They reached for Sans again and dropped one of their bags. Sans turned back with the sound of the items clattering to the pavement.

"aw geez kiddo. wasn't nothing breakable in there, i hope?" Frisk said nothing as Sans bent down to start picking up the spilled items, but they tapped him on the shoulder to make him pause while they began to scoop of the items they dropped.

"well okay then," Sans said under his breath. Maybe they just had something in there for him that they didn't want him seeing. It looked like nothing had broken, judging by Frisk's lack of reaction as they stood up once again. Sans shrugged, walking ahead of the kid again, leading the few blocks home. He looked up when he noticed a snowflake drift down onto his blue coat and suddenly...the sensation of snow falling onto his bare skull brought him back to over a year and a half ago, when he had still been living in the underground with his brother. He woke up one day, did his usual rounds, then went to that old door to make jokes with the woman behind it. It was her simple request, or rather, hefty promise put into simple words, which had changed his life forever. Not even a week later, that strange little creature had strolled out from that door, and he couldn't kill it like he'd planned.

He knew he could have never held one captive. They'd put up too much of a struggle, and he'd tire before he could find Papyrus or Undyne to take it off his hands so he'd have to. He had never really liked the idea of it, trying to reconcile the fact that it was just an animal. Its SOUL was upside down, just like a squirrel or bird's. He'd have made it fast. It wouldn't have felt a thing. Wouldn't have even known he was there...right...he had been capable of that...

No, he had been willing to make that promise if it meant he didn't have to do his job. In the end though...

He had to wonder how many times be had repeated that day. How many times had he met that kid in the forest? How many times had he shaken their hand? Allowed them to befriend his brother...

"Sans?"

The small voice was in front of him and he blinked back to the present when he noticed the kid was quite a distance ahead of him. He had really zoned out. He set his pace to catch up to them while they waited. Something wistful twisted in his non-existent guts as he closed the distance between himself and the 9-year-old. How long would it be before they did it again?

It was Christmas. He'd allowed himself to get comfortable with Tori the other day, her tacking up some mistletoe, and him coming up behind her. He'd startled her, him having teleported to her livingroom immediately after work. She instantly forgave him, laughing as she bent down to give him a kiss under the mistletoe. It was nice.

He felt warm and fuzzy, and he never wanted this feeling to end. But then he spotted Frisk, watching over the back of the couch and sticking their tongue out in exaggerated disgust at the clear lack of concern for cooties. It wasn't Frisk's disapproval of his and Tori's occasional displays of affection that bothered him. It was the sudden, unrelenting feeling that all of this could end. All of it could end on Frisk's whim. The kid could reset or go to an early save and all this could be lost. All of it. His brother's new job, Undyne and Alphys's wedding, his relationship with Tori...and he would only ever know in dreams and in an overarching feeling of deja vu.

It had hurt. Coming to that realization really hurt. It would hurt so much if it happened and he wouldn't even really know. What if he got further in his relationship with Tori? What if Alphys and Undyne really did have a kid and named Papyrus godfather like they promised? The future looked so hopeful, and the idea of all that being stripped away? It hurt. It hurt more because of how much Sans had come to love that kid. He was still in that weird, not-quite-dad but more-than-babysitter phase with the kid, but he loved them as much as Tori and Papyrus. He really didn't want to believe that someone he loved was capable of just...The kid had reset a few times by now if his theories were right, what's to say they wouldn't again? It hurt so much. He'd rather them get it over with sooner than later.

He'd begun walking in silence beside the kid for another block before he felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked back at the kid, but their eyes were downcast.

"Are you mad at me?" they asked softly. Their arms were too weighted down to sign, so their barely audible voice was all they had.

"wha?"

"Is it 'cuz of my report card? Mom tries to tutor me but I'm just not good at...I'll try harder to be better in math next semest-"

"woah, woah, buddy. frisk? why would you think i'm mad at you?"

"I can just tell." Frisk raised their eyes, looking at Sans in a way that left no room to argue. They knew he was upset, they just didn't understand _why_...

"oh, frisk i'm not..." Frisk's expression shown instantaneous disbelief at Sans's words. Sans shifted both bags over to one hand, and rubbed the back of his cervical vertebrae. He sighed, realizing that he could not lie to this child. This child was near enough able to read expressions like their mother. Like him. How is he supposed to tell them that he's not mad at anything that they've done in _this_ timeline, but he's mad at them for something that could potentially just be a theory for him? He wasn't even really angry, he was more saddened and disappointed by what could potentially happen. The kid had power over all of their happiness, has small family's and that saddened and even frightened him. How many times had they done it before?

What he knew of this child was that they were a good child. Decently behaved, albeit a little bit ornery and mischief-making, but what child wasn't at their age? They seemed rather sweet and incapable taking away everyone's happiness but at the same time... He couldn't ignore the data and he couldn't ignore strange feeling of deja vu. They had, with 98.7% accuracy, done this a number of times. Maybe not this exact moment but he knew that they had at least some other time in the underground. More than once. Everything seem to line up to that. The kids' expression when he said certain things; the way they behaved as if they knew something was about to happen; the way they carry themselves all through the underground, fearless and with confidence of only someone who knew what they were dealing with.

It all lined up. And the fact that the kid had done this probably more than a handful of times, meant that they could do it again. Under what circumstances would they do it again? Did they do it because they were bored? Did they do it because they thought it was fun? Did they miss something the first time around and wanted to take a second look? He didn't have the answers, and that was kind of scary to him.

Frisk looked at him with that determined expression, one that demmanded an answer. Again, it was an expression hard to believe came from a child and suggested so much more.

"why don't we sit down," Sans said, pointing to the nearby bus shelter. The bus had just come by a few minutes ago so it would be a while before the next. Frisk obliged, setting their bags on one side and sitting on the other. They scooted over just so Sans would have enough room to also sit. Sans shrugged and sat down beside the kid, setting his bags at his feet.

"i gotta tell you kid, i really ain't exactly mad at you i'm just..." Frisk tilted their head to the side for the skeleton to continue. "there's something about you that's been eating at me so..." he trailed off. He thought of Toriel, of Papyrus, of Alphys and Undyne, even the kid. How happy they all were right now. Ready to open gifts in a week's time, ready to bring in the new year with shouts and cheers...and he thought of how quickly everyone had sought their own happiness. They were so newly freed. They should have so much time to learn and grow in the world, but in an instant, all of that could be taken away.

Sans twisted his hands in front of him. The ivory color of his phalanges stood out just enough to see against the white griund, even if one's vision were to blur.

"if you could help me out, let me understand why you did it? and just tell me, kid, are you going to reset soon? because if you are going to reset i'd rather you do it sooner than later."

There was a pause. Then suddenly Sans felt a pain between is browbones and his hand flew up to protect his forhead. He looked over at Frisk, the kid wearing an annoyed expression, pulling their hand back from where they had just flicked him. He hadn't even tried to dodge that.

"what the ffff-frick?!" Sans avoided harsher language narrowly, "i know the winter's got everyone in a foul mood, but that wasn't _ice_."

Frisk rolled their eyes.

"_Pea-brain_," they signed.

"what?"

Frisk sat back, crossing their arms with a huff.

"I wouldn't do that," they muttered. Why was Frisk so upset? Because Sans had confronted them? Sans watched as they pulled their hands back and started signing.

"_You know why I reset? You know why?_"

Sans...raised a brow. He had a few guesses, but nothing solid. He shook his head.

"_Because I messed up. I messed up bad._" Frisk's face fell.

"_It wasn't really my idea to hurt anyone. I never wanted to! I didn't...it was an accident. I-I was scared and... Sans do you have any idea what dying feels like?"_

"...dying..?"

"_Well... It hurts. It hurts a lot and at first I was.. I didn't understand. When I first fell into the underground I was scared and I was all alone and...There were monsters trying to hurt me so I thought they were bad and...human kids are always told monsters will kill them and then I was and I came back and I was really scared._" Frisk swallowed thickly.

"so...you're saying..."

"_I died. I died a lot. And I I was scared and I tried to fight back and the first time I killed someone I didn't-I didn't think too much about it because... It was self-defense. I thought it was just self-defense and so when the next time I died I thought... I didn't want to try again so...I look at my hands sometimes and I can still feel the dust. It's not at all like powder. It's gritty and it feels bad. It feels bad on the inside too._"

"i've been to funerals, i know what dust is-" Frisk just kept signing. Like they needed to get it all out. They were signing almost too quickly for Sans to keep up with how small their hands were, but he didn't stop them again.

"_When I found out that I could reset I thought how wonderful it was. That I could go back and I could try to do it differently. But then I still ended up killing people because I didn't know what else to do. I tried to talk with them and they still just hurt me and... Sometimes it didn't work out... But I had to try. I had to try and had to try... So I went back again and again and I tried a lot of different ways to spare people and it took me too many times to figure out and... I remember one guy, Snowdrake? I killed him a lot, because he wouldn't listen to me_

They paused to wipe their nose.

"stop kid. you're telling me than not only could go back in time," Sans said, browbones knitting, "...you have some mysterious power to go back in time, but you also went back in time just to kill the same people over and over again? No, no, okay, you didn't go back to do that, but you ended up killing the same monsters over and over again?"

Frisk swollowed thickly and nodded. Sans rubbed a hand down his face. He heard the kid sniffle.

"_If I weren't so stupid I would have figured it out sooner and I would have never had to die so many times and-_"

"shhh. shhh. hey kid i'm sorry i got you so worked up i... you're not stupid..." Sans sighed. What had been a nasty disgruntled sad feeling in his non-existent guts had transformed into something kind of like guilt. He thought up a lot of scenarios in which the kid would reset, but he didn't think it would be to set things right. He didn't think that the kid would have been killed so many times. God he had thought about...before he made that promise and that kid came through the door, before he got to know Frisk maybe he could have done it. But now...thinking about anyone else hurting a single hair on the little kid's head. This sweet, bubbly, weird, bug-collecting little kid just twisted up something disgusting in his soul.

"_I am though,_" they countered."_I wouldn't have to kill so many people just to not die. I... I'm so sorry Sans... I only ever reset because I messed up and I hurt people... And I wanted to try to take it all back and I know it's not realistic but... I just I hoped that I could forgive myself if I went back and I spared people. Spared everyone. So I tried again and again and again and... When I got it right the last time and I didn't have to hurt anyone... Then that was the last time I was going to reset... I'm happy now. We're all happy now_."

Sans had pulled kid closer to him. They were sniffly but not quite crying yet. But, heh, Sans didn't want them to see that he was close to crying. Voice muffled, they mumbled into his coat.

"I'm not going to do it again. Everyone's happy and I'm happy and I don't want to take that away from anyone," their voice cracked on the last syllable, "I'm not going to reset. Not ever. Not ever ever ever. Sans, I promise." Sans took a deep breath. This kid knew what _**promises**_ meant to him.

"I got the ending I wanted. The true ending. My happy ending."

"yeah, i guess i sorta did too, kiddo."

Both their heads lifted when a car Pulled over on the side of the road just behind the bus stop. The passenger window rolled down on the familiar blue minivan and a familiar voice came from it.

"Greetings, strangers. Would you care for a lift home?" It sure beat walking those last few blocks home.

Frisk wiped their nose again and Sans wiped his eyes. They collected their bags and promptly crawled into the van. It was a short ride home, but it was enough time for Toriel to give Sans a strange look. When they arrived home toriel gave Frisk the keys which brightened up the child's face, as having a house key made the child feel as if they had won the lottery. Or, at least made them feel a little more grown-up, unlocking the house by themselves. Sans immediately got the cue that he was not to leave the car until Tori had said something to him.

"Why wasn't Frisk wearing their gloves? Or their hat?" Toriel accused.

"um...that's actually, well, frisk kind of decided they didn't like blue today."

Toriel sighed. Frisk sometimes did that. Just decided on any given day they didn't like a certain color and therefore refused to wear it or refused to eat anything that was that color. They were a strange child, somethimes.

"be double-digits soon enough. gotta let them make their own decisions before long. i learned best the hard way, you know. can't feel much of the cold, but damn do my joints lock up if i'm not insulated well enough." Sans chuckled. Frisk had been adamant that the hand-knit things looked dorky with their initial stitched. And blue was their least favorite color today. They were a cute little thing.

"That is fair...why did they look as though they were about to cry when I pulled up?" Toriel's voice was soft now, looking back at Sans. She relayed concern not just for her child, but for the skeleton himself. She mist have seen his expression then, as well.

"uh...we uh...talked about some things, that are...kinda hard to explain, actually?"

Toriel gave him a dubious look.

"Sans."

"serious! it'd take two days to explain it in a way anyone else'd understand.. i mean, i ain't even really sure the kid'd want me saying..." Sans paused.

"you could ask them about it? kid's got a knack for explaining, actually." he offered. Toriel open her mouth then closed it again. She nodded, accepting his offer. She picked up one of his two bags and started to unbuckle her seatbelt. Sans looked up before reaching for his own seat belt. Through the window he saw Frisk looking out. Sans's browbones knit again. He was sort of angry at himself now. He loved that kid. He was upset with them, suspicious of them for no reason. Then the fact. That this child had died...that they, as a scared 8-year-old kid knew what it felt like to die...it made him nauseated. The fact they had killed monsters, knew what it felt like...it was kinda...they had gone back to try to fix it. They'd always have that dust on their hands, but at least they were trying to make amends and move on. He looked back over to Toriel as she open the car door.

"we've got a great kid, y'know?"


End file.
